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August 14, 2008

My Father, Henry Randall Bowling (RIP)

I wrote this last year and I really don't have a better way to express myself, so I thought I would repost it here.

Today is the 4th Anniversary of my father's death. It's a hard day for many reasons. I am a very optimistic person and I love to celebrate life. However, losing both parents has been very rough for me. I try not to talk about it much, but I know that I need to grieve. It's hard to keep it all inside.

My Dad was diagnosed with bile duct cancer in April 2004. It was inoperable and not treatable with chemotherapy or radiation. The cancer had spread up his spinal column and was entering his vital organs. He appeared to be jaudice...like a newborn baby. My Dad was very hopeful and believed in the power of prayer. Nonetheless, after a short 4 months...he passed away on August 14, 2004.

My Dad and I had some rough times and had somewhat of a tumultous relationship. Nonetheless, I miss him more than I ever thought I could imagine.

I got a phone call 4 years ago and was told that my Dad had taken a turn for the worse and I needed to come see him. Dean came home and we packed within minutes and left for West Virginia from Michigan. Dyson was 15 months old. We traveled through the night and got to WV around midnight. My father was at home and hospice was giving him the care he needed. The man I saw was not the lively, caring, boistrous individual that I knew and loved. He was sitting in his recliner and looked like he had aged 30 years and lost 50 lbs. He was not able to talk and he did not make eye contact. He groaned quite a bit. The nurse told us that the hearing was the last thing to go, so we all talked to him and kept him in our conversations.

The next day I called a friend from high school (Michael Kessinger) who was a pastor. He knew my Dad and had been coming over to pray with him. I asked if he could come over and pray with my Dad and the family. He came right over. My Dad had many friends and family by his side. We all gathered around him and I grabbed one of his hands and my step-mother grabbed the other. The others joined our hands and surrounded my Dad in a circle. Michael prayed for Dad and our family. After he said his prayer, I got down closer to my Dad and said to him, "Daddy, I know you are in pain and it is time for you to go. I am going to be OK and I love you." I kissed him and within seconds, he took a deep breath and exhaled. He never took another breath. It was obvious that he had passed and he had a look of peace on his face. I think that I had given him the permission to go.

Although I know he is in a better place, I miss him so much. I am angry and saddened that my children will never know their grandfather. I am sad that he never got to meet his granddaughter. I am upset at myself for letting him go. I am mad for being so stubborn and hard headed and never saying "I'm sorry" for some of the things I had done. I know that this is the normal process of grieving. So, why do I feel like I can't breathe at times? I am very thankful for a wonderful husband and beautiful children. I just feel a void. I want to hug him one more time. I still remember the way he smelled. I remember his laugh and his corny sense of humor. Will I forget these things???

I am my father's daughter. I love him, admire him and miss him dearly. I don't make any apologies for that. So, on this day...I remember him fondly and mourn the loss of a great father, son and person!

In Memory of Randall Bowling.

Photobucket

This picture was taken in May 2004 (3 months before he died).

4 comments:

Trace said...

August 6 was the 17 year anniversary of my dad's murder...I know what you are going through, momma. I still have days where the grief grabs me right in the gut and absolutely takes my breath away. I hope you get through today focusing on the good times and the good memories. I will be thinking about you. xo

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss, Deana. Your post is so touching. I cannot fathom the loss of a parent. My heart goes out to you. My prayers will be with you today.

mrtl said...

Aw, sweetie. Hugs to you. I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I hope that you find peace during this difficult day.