30 Years Yesterday...

Three decades have passed and it seems like yesterday. My mother, Betty Jean Dunn Bowling, was 32 years old and 8 days from her 33rd birthday when she lost her life. I was 6 years old and my sister was 9 years old. My mother and father were divorced. My mother was young, vibrant, loving and definitely too young to be taken away from this world.

She died in a car crash on her way to a funeral. I am told that she died instantly. I still don't understand the events and I am very angry. No one prepares you to grow up without a mother. No one explains what a toll it will take on your life...forever. I didn't have my own children until I was 31 years old. I think I have always been scared for the same destiny or that I wouldn't know how to be a Mom.

I still don't think I have ever properly grieved for her. I don't know how. I remember her much better than I should. And, I fear forgetting her.

I know that I live my life not wanting to die the way that she did. I am angry at her for leaving me at such a young age. I know it is not her fault, but I need to blame someone. My Mom died when I was 6 years old. Her mother (my grandmother) died when she was 6 years old. I have always felt like my days were limited. My children want for nothing and I love them with all of my being. So, why am I so scared that they won't remember me? Why am I so scared of leaving them?

Yesterday was Election Day and it was the day my Mom passed away (30 years prior). Change is such a peculiar word. Life changes. We all evolve. There are some days where I want the world to stop. I want to live in this moment and love my husband and children and not move forward.

I miss my mother. I miss what I could have had. I grieve her loss and rejoice her memory. I feel her presence and I don't ever want to forget her laughter and her love. I don't want to stop missing her.

So, on this day...I give myself permission to grieve her and mourn her loss. And then, I will pick myself up, wipe away the tears and never forget to be the best mother for my children. My mother would want me to take advantage of every moment spent with them. I will do that for her, for myself and for my children. If you read this, do it for your children as well. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. My mother did not have any inclination that she would die at the age of 32. I don't know what my future holds, but I hope to love my family and friends and make a positive impact on this world. Life is too short to do otherwise.